Life and perpetual death
It rained, and the rock got wet. The sun came out and warmed the rock. The rock didn't seek nourishment from the rain or turn toward the warmth of the sun. It just was. Does the rock want to be on a mountain, in a quarry, at the bottom of a fish tank? The rock says nothing, does nothing, and just lands wherever it is placed by other forces. The rock is and will always be a rock, no matter what happens to it. Yet the rock is content, without seeking contentment. It exists without effort. If the rock were a human, it would not survive. If the human were a rock, it wouldn't matter.
I haven't talked to or seen my brother for quite some time. He's a few thousand miles away, in more ways than one. In a sense I, and most everyone else, lost him some time back. Or maybe we, or humanity, never had him. Our parents on the other hand, living nearby, were still trying to get through to him, trying to find the thing that would spark motivation in the rock, trying to understand this whole thing.
Not expecting an answer, I tried calling my brother anyway. It was his birthday, and I still vividly remember the car ride that brought them home from the hospital 37 years ago, him being held by our mother in the back seat.
His phones were disconnected. I knew this meant that things were still unchanged for him, passively observing life's final impacts on him. I called our mother.
We've talked about this stuff before, long conversations about what is going on and why. I served in a support role for our mom. Someone connected and trusted but not immersed in the daily stresses. I don't often bring it up on my own with her or dad, though. They need to keep from being totally immersed themselves.
It seems to be a deterioration that has been going on a lifetime. The longer it goes on, the worse it gets, and the harder it is to change course. He has now arrived at a point where he will lose his house in a few days. No human connections, no job, no home. No cares. It really doesn't matter to him one way or the other, as long as he doesn't do anything. Motivation so lacking that hair washing is too much work, so he shaved his head. If my parents take him in, fine. If they don't, fine. Either way, he will sit and do nothing, holding on to the only things he will have motivation enough to take with him: his clothes and his laptop.
Clothes and laptop. The shelter is of no concern. The job and the health of no concern. When you have none of these things, and no motivation to call or inquire or plan, there's not much left that will keep you alive. And that seems to be fine. In fact, the only emotion he seems to have with all this is contentment.
I have a hard time wrapping my head around how this came to be. It probably wouldn't matter if I could. A rock is a rock, after all.
My brother was born 37 years ago.
I'm not sure when he died.
for the NNAF
8 comments:
Eloquent post, very poignant and sad.
It sounds like your brother is profoundly, clinically depressed.
Yes, a strange, pleasant apathetic sort of depression, it seems. Or joining a cult! Thank you for the comment, expecially since it's usually hard for me to express things well in words.
Not to be hopelessly pedestrian, but -- Prozac? Zoloft? Has medication been tried? Depression isn't always crying; sometimes it manifests as apathy.
("Expecially?" I swear, the "s" and "x" are right next to each other.)
When they are eventually able to get him to a doc (after him not showing up and such), he gets a script but doesn't take it. They'd have to literally monitor him all the time, it seems, and they can't do it for several reasons.
They looked into involuntary commitment, but that's apparently not so easy to do. They've been through that before (but not with him), so they know a little about that.
I'm not going to remember this correctly, I'm sure, but I think he'd have to be an immediate threat to himself or others. As an unemployed single person sitting in a house being repo'd, apparently that's not enough. Otherwise it has to be voluntary, and that's a no go.
Ugh.
Maybe if he moves in with your parents for a little while they can get him to take medication. They could put it in his food, if necessary.
Has he been physically examined? I remember reading a brain tumor case that was like that...the tumor grew slowly for years, the person getting more and more apathetic and out of it. That's a one-in-a million possibility, but I was just wondering.
They've decided that he is not moving in. It's taken a huge toll on them for years. They've bailed him out more than once, housed him, taken time to practically drag him places. I cannot hold it against them that they can't do it any more. They've done a lot, and feel guilty for the doing, using hindsight to wonder if things weren't always too easy for him, he never had real challenges, and they didn't let him fall on his butt and lose a car or go bankrupt or whatever. Of course, there's no way to know. All I know is that they tried everything they could, and they are emotionally wiped out.
I've always had a close relationship with my parents, not so much my brother. Not that we didn't get along, but distance played a part in seeing him infrequently, he rarely even met family halfway as far as travel, and for the past few years has not communicated or answered calls or messages. So, in that context I have to believe my parents have done as much as they could and can't do any more. I don't want them sacrificed for this, and I'm sure there's a real fear all-around of that.
Dad had a great career, the firm partner did shady things, they pushed him out in an underhanded way but he was not the first. He ended up in the hospital. He could have gone after them, but it would be like reliving it, for years, at great expense, and practically a guarantee that the reward would be that he would not recover and get even sicker. There wasn't much further for him to go. He would also kill his career, as no one likes whistleblowers. After a few years recovery, retirement depleted, a home sold, he did the work on his own and did well but it was still too much travel and he felt it lacking. His perspective had changed on what is "important" after all that. He was disillusioned with the whole corporate crapfest. He got another slightly different position, saved a company, and once that was done was again pushed out and screwed by what turned out to be another cheat. He couldn't get a job, and now works for probably 1/6th of what he used to make. He simply could not dress down his resume enough and get hired. He basically had to trash it and start over. Mom had to stop working for health reasons a year ago. They are 5 years from retirement age, have lots on their plate, and no one needs another breakdown.
I am what's left, I suppose, but I've done the help the needy thing in my home and I can't sacrifice my kids to that, not even for my brother. It's just too much. I have anxiety, I've been depressed, and antidepressants make me manic. Not very noble, but the best honest assessment I can come up with.
So, it's kind of like we don't have enough emotional/mental capital to devote to something this big, and my parents have exhausted theirs, and I understand that.
That seems like way too much info. I guess I just wanted to provide some background to it.
I understand. It sounds like your family's resources are pretty much exhausted.
So what happens to your brother when they repossess the house? Will he become a homeless person?
I honestly don't know. He gives no indication of where he would go, shows no desire for assistance, no indication of which "what if's" bother or appeal to him. Going by the way he's been behaving (or not), I can only guess it will be the following (unless, of course, he finds his bottom and reacts beforehand):
He will end up wherever some other force plops him. He simply will not act or react on his own. So whomever does the evicting will determine it. He could end up on the lawn, a jail cell, a shelter, a bus station, a hospital. It's wherever he's left by what ever force. He will show no preference for anything. If that force asks what he wants, he won't provide any direction. It will be left entirely up to that force. They will have to make the decision for him. That's the way he's been for a while.
Okay, scratch the rest of this. I've been thinking this is a forced eviction, but it could be a court decision. I was left with the impression that it was forced, but can't guarantee that it is. If it's court, he won't show up. Someone could try to take him anyway (show up, tell him to get dressed, tell him to get in the car, hope he complies) but that rarely works. Even so, the court would approve the eviction, and since there is no reason to think he would leave on his own after that, it would be forced. No idea what sort of time elapses between court and forced. If what I was told about this week isn't forced, it will be. I really have the impression it's forced, but I'll have to check back on that.
So, depending on whether it's already been in court or not, and how long it takes after that for forced eviction, it will be up to law enforcement. That's where it leads if you just let it happen.
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