Strength comes from refusing to be shamed
In the interest of disclosure and empowerment,
of stubbornness and sheer attitude,
I hereby submit my experience with sexual assault.
of stubbornness and sheer attitude,
I hereby submit my experience with sexual assault.
I am not objective in this area, I take it personally. I have every right to. I am tired of silence and shame.
This is a work-in-progress.
I find myself starting with a glossed-over framework, with more details in areas that I've shared in safety a few times before, and completely skipping over areas that I still have a hard time facing up to.Memories are not neatly, chronologically stored for easy access. They cross-reference based on sensation, emotion, place. These stories we tell are not of isolated incidents, they are viral in how they impact our lives. Realizations seem to happen randomly, there is no order to it.
That makes it hard to tackle. I used to try to figure it out so I could write it, all of it. Now I know I need to write it so I can figure it out.
I will update and edit this over time. Updates will not be added chronologically. They will be inserted so that the story reads chronologically. At the present time, I will indicate that an entry has been updated with a date at the end. Full additions will be separate posts, and linked from this entry, which appears on the front page as a permanent link.
This may be triggering.
There is some detail in the areas of rape, molestation, and drugs, along with other destructive coping behaviors. No story exists separate from the person, or the rest of their life. I write this not just to reject the shame, but to allow others to feel less isolated in their experiences. If you think it might be too upsetting, please take whatever precautions necessary that will keep you safe.
Part 1: Petrification last updated 3/12/06
Part 2: Dehumanization last updated 3/26/06
(previously part of this original post, it has been moved to a separate entry)
Part 3: Humiliation last updated 3/26/06
Part 4: Visualization last updated 4/09/06
A note to recent visitors 3/29/06
updated 3/29/06
for the NNAF
10 comments:
That's a hellacious post. So much about the state of women right there in your life, from the rape to the abortion to the sense of worthlessness. Jesus.
I'm remembering something Twisty said a week or two ago, something about teenage girls turning into drunks and druggies at breakneck speed from the sheer pressure of being dehumanized.
I'm going to have to think about your story for a while before I feel adequate to offer anything more. Thank you so much for putting it into words.
Dehumanized is a good word for it. It means a lot that you simply said it was "a hellacious post" and it touches on so many issues. That pretty much explains why it's been damed hard to express it, in its entirety, for so long. Heck, and it doesn't even go into that much detail!
You have a lot of courage for talking about such a traumatic event.
It is helpful for other women and men for you to speak out. Thank you.
Manx, I just added a comment pointing to this post in the thread at my place -- let me know if you mind.
Excellent and brave post. Keep talking, keep throwing that shame right back where it belongs. You're not alone, there are many of us and our voices are growing.
Thank you so much for telling us your story. For speaking out and enabling other women to also speak out. Thank you, you've brought tears to my eyes and renewed the knowledge that I am not alone
I don't have the words to express how this made me feel. You are incredibly strong.
Will, thanks, although I don't see it as all that courageous. :) For me, it feels more like not being chickenshit about it, as in telling of it at once, and not just parts here and there that feel "safest" to say. Doing this, and following up on it, could also stomp out whatever lingering reactionary crap I have left (that likely being an anxiety-driven compulsive behavior). Beat up on the asswipes, without apology or fear, instead of myself. Hell, it would be about time!
BB, I'm behind on email, but I think the last thing I sent you said pretty much the same thing about a whole heck of a lot that you write. :)
Spotted, thank you. Do I remember you from Twisty's "Beautiful Mind" post?
Great, moving, horrifying post. I have a rape experince I've never been able to put my name to when I've written about it, but I'm working on that. I think I need to tell my mom before I tell the world. Thanks for the inspiration, congratulations on your recovery, and I'm sorry for what happened.
Anon: Never stop looking for that inspiration. A lot of strenght comes from that. And thank you for the inspiration you provide just by showing me there is much to be gained in sharing.
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