All Your Uteri Are Belong to South Dakota

Governor Mike Rounds sits very still for the camera as he prepares to sign legislation March 6, 2006, in Pierre, S.D.. (AP Photo/Joe Kafka)

PIERRE, SNARK DAKOTA - Gov. Mike Rounds signed a contract Monday that would transfer ownership of nearly all 390,000 uteri in South Dakota to the state. "We have until July 1 to raise funds for the purchase," he kind of said. The bidding started with an anonymous donor's pledge of $1 million, setting the initial uterine value at 39 cents per unit; the same as a first class postage stamp (handling is extra). State Senator Bill Napoli said that while they could probably get a good bulk rate on postage, "I really think we're pushing the envelope on that." The legislature concurred, determining that uteri probably do not fit into a standard mailing envelope. A special account has been set up to accept donations to cover the extra postage and shackles necessary for forced births.

Are there any uteri the state does not want? Napoli, dressed in his favorite wild west outfit, really said that the state does not value uteri that come from brutally raped, savaged, suicidal unmarried religious virgins who are "sodomized as bad as you can possibly make it." They get to keep theirs, he said, as long as the state gets to hear all the details. "It would probably help if we could get a copy on tape," he may have added.