I'll see your analogy, and raise you ::gasp:: an analogy

Wherein manxome hits a bad analogy in the noggin with
her own bad analogy two-by-four, for fun and prizes and shit.

In Ode to a sexist, BB highlights a comment left by someone who self-identifies as "::gasp:: a male". ::gasp:: a male's "greater point" (I would hate to have seen his so-so point) is that "Porn in and of itself is no worse than say watching a cooking show".

Well, who can possibly argue with that?

After slapping her forehead, BB replies to ::gasp:: a male, in part:

"I forgot that the last time I watched Emeril Lagasse he grabbed that turkey and called it a good bitch before brutally fucking it while slapping it and telling it that it likes it. Yep, I clearly remember that episode in which he kept telling that whorish turkey, "You like that baster don't you bitch? Take it you dirty bird"

Of course, one should read the whole damn thing. Which I did. Twice. Still, I cannot resist the urge, the need, to submit my own analogy in response to the ::gasp:: a male's analogy:

I am ::gasp:: a male and I think you miss the greater point

Hi, ::gasp:: a male. You'd be the dude in the bold face, right? Manxome here, claiming the default! (bwahhaaaa)

Porn in and of itself is no worse than say watching a cooking show

Nah, it's more like an episode of ER.

Before you rant and whine listen to my explantion.

Wait! Listen to my rant and whine before you explain it to me!

A cooking show demonstrates something that you may not currently do or have knowledge of

Much like ER!

But, if you watch it enough you are going to try cooking

I can see what you mean, since I now have this incredible urge to crack someone's chest open and perform a triple bypass based on all I've learned watching actors in a medical drama.

If you watch it with your partner and begin to criticize their cooking because it isn't as good

Well of course my partner's skills at surgery isn't as good as Dr. Luka Kovac's! Has he learned nothing from watching TV? Gawd, I tell him all the time, "Hey asshole, Luka has a much bigger scapel than you, and he knows how to use it!"

Without realizing that the person who is cooking has usually very little talent

Yeah, I don't get why he can't remove a tumor with the finesse of an actor on a TV show, either.

And it is all handled by assistants behind the scenes.

I know! Isn't that crazy? Goran Visnjic isn't really a doctor, does not really perform medical procedures, and there are all kinds of people behind the scenes who make it look like he is. What was I thinking? Obviously we need to hire a major studio and crew to help us out here, and then maybe our attempts at performing appendectomies on each other won't make such a mess on the kitchen floor.

Now, we all have to eat, and we all have sexual urges

Yes, we all have urges to perform surgery on others, because we saw it on TV. Right there with ya, dude!

The diff is that we usually don't harm others with our cooking, but with sex it is not just a casual activity

Well, duh, because if that could ever happen, we'd need like food inspectors and health codes and shit. I'm especially fond the $6.99 all you-can-eat undercooked mad cow night at Denny's!

But back to the real point, which is that we don't usually harm others when we practice medicine after watching a few episodes of ER, so it's no biggie. But sex? Whoa, that's some serious shit. Do tell.

Feminism has done good, but also must take responsibility for the harm it has done also

Well, yeah. I realized that one day, after trying to perform brain surgery on my partner. ER has been very irresponsible in making me think I could perform several complicated medical procedures in 60 minutes, including commercial breaks! Even though I've watched since the first season, they didn't mail me a degree, and no hospital would hire me. It turned out not to be the training video I thought it was! It wasn't really medicine!

You see as a male raised by a strong mother I was taught manners and respect.
I hold the door for people and say please and thank you, and told not to think of women as objects, but when women sleep around and use sex as a tool it makes it harder for all women

Yup. My attempts at do-it-yourself medicine has definitely made it harder for ER's viewing audience to be seen as anything but do-it-yourself docs. And all those guys who want to "tube" me? Yeah, they have nothing to do with it.

Just as what one man does influences your opinion of all men, what one woman does helps men to rationalize that "women really want [insert item] because I saw it as acceptable behavior by another woman"

No kidding! I mean, when I found out that not all hospital administrators meet their demise by having a helicopter fall on them, I was stunned!

So, given the premise that what one man or woman does represents everyone in their sex makes about as much sense as saying that because I think breasts are beautiful that I want rape women so that I can see more of them.

I know (bows head). We should all feel so ashamed for having never, ever said anything like that.

You can't have it both ways,

Right. When we play hospital, one has to be the doctor and the other has to be the patient! Sometimes we do switch roles, though. Sometimes we even perform surgery on ourselves! I mean, if you're not willing to have it done to you or do it to yourself, why would you do it to someone else, riiiight?

there is no absolute freedom..except when I don't want it

Right. If one wants absolute freedom, they have to not want it. So if I say "no absolute freedom for me tonight hon, I have a headache", you say "c'mon, babe, you know you want it" and shove it down my throat. Yep, sounds familiar. Damn feminism!

Or perhaps you mean that no one can have absolute freedom unless you don't want it. You know, because it's a finite thing that you own and distribute at will. Yes, we get your discarded table scraps! The food analogy is so clear to me now! I concede!

Gawd, I love Carolyn Hax

The answer to the first question would be classic Hax, except she didn't touch the "especially girls" comment, which is so very un-Hax-like. Perhaps she found the letter-writer so condescending that she went for what would more likely get through and make an impact, rather than completely roast them and accomplish nothing.

Oh, but mmmmm, I love a good roast.

Dear Carolyn:

Do you have specific advice for teenagers (especially girls) to keep them from premarital sex, or are you one who smiles and says, "You are not mature, but if you must, here is a condom." I need every trick in the book to make sure my kids never go down that road!

Richmond

Dear Richmond,

If this is how you address issues with your kids, the best you can do is cross your fingers and hope they rebel against you. In this way, they most likely way they'll grow up honest, confident, compassionate, able to make good decisions for themselves, and will move far, far away from you.

Worry if they don't rebel. They'll screw up in some way, for sure, if not be completely screwed up. You will then most likely exclaim, with too much glee to everyone you meet, that you "knew they'd screw up", which says more about you than them, and not in a positive way like you think.

The "especially girls" comment is interesting. Why "especially girls"? Just who do you think teenage boys will most likely have sex with, if not teenage girls?

What do you think of those teenage boys who are usually on the other end of that teenage premarital sex? Surely you don't think the boys are more mature and thus don't need to be "especiall-ized"! Maybe you think boys are a lost cause, so you don't bother teaching them basic respect for themselves and others. Either way, you are not concerned with them. If they are so ultra-mature and don't need the extra special attention, then surely teen sex is not a problem and there is no reason for you to write in the first place. But you did write. So that leaves us with the idea that they are hopeless, and a waste of your valuable trick-in-the-book reading time. Then you send your daughter off to a school full of them.

Try this on for size. Male or female, the message is the same. Respect yourself. Respect others. Start by setting the example. Hint: a book of tricks never mentions "respect".

Pop quiz time!

Fuck standards. Anyone's standards.

Hot or not?
Rad or bad?

or is all this just really fucking sad?

Instructions:
This is a timed quiz. You will have 3 minutes to rate 30 statements about me. Mark the corresponding bubble on your answer sheet with a # 2 pencil. Fill in the circle completely, without straying outside the circle, because straying is treasonous. If you change your mind, erase your first mark completely and consider yourself indecisive and therefore unworthy to judge others. This quiz will be graded on a strict pass/fail basis, and counts for a pure 99.44% of your final grade.

Without having to regard me as an autonomous human being with unique experiences, preferences, and goals in life, determine what each of the following statements Say About Me Emphatically, and score according to the following scale:

9 = Rad! (silly, there is no in between) 0 = Bad!

---

Start!

1. I don't use cologne
2. but do use moisturizer
3. I don't shave anything
4. but do tweeze certain hairs
5. I don't wear a bra indoors at home, or on short trips out
6. but do wear a bra outdoors and on longer trips out
7. I don't wear make-up
8. but do generally put on spot concealer as needed when I leave the house
9. I don't wear nail polish
10. but do keep my nails trimmed
11. I don't blow dry, curl, color, or perm my hair
12. but do use hair gel
13. I don't use tooth whiteners
14. but do use mouthwash
15. I don't wear jewelry
16. but do think it can be appreciated aesthetically on its own
17. I don't think weddings are all that
18. but did have one and enjoyed it
19. I don't do blow jobs
20. but do have heterosexual sex
21. I don't wear heeled shoes
22. but do go barefoot as much as possible
23. I don't wear short skirts
24. but do love to wear cotton camisoles under button-down shirts
25. I don't wear hose
26. but do wear underwear
27. I didn't breast feed
28. but did gave birth vaginally
29. I don't spend a lot of time in the shower
30. but do bathe more than once a week

Bzzz! Time's up!

---

Extra credit:
Tell me what exactly any of these things have to do with you.
You have all the time in the world.

---

Scoring:

• Add up all answers according to the number you used to rate me.
  Remember, 9 points for each Rad, 0 points for each Bad!
• Divide the total by 30. This is your final score.
• Look the result up on the following chart to double-check your ability to judge:

0-1 Manxome is patriarchy's best customer and is ruining it for us all! Oh, and you can't stand snark.
2-3 According to you, you are way better than manxome. What a relief for you!
4-5 Obviously manxome is confused. Tell her what to do! Stat! After all, no one has done that in at least 2 hours.
6-7 Aw, always a princess, never a queen. If manxome keeps working hard to present whatever image is deemed appropriate by whoever is deeming things appropriate at the moment and attaching whatever meaning they are attaching to it this week, irrespective of her stubborn preference for making the best personal choices she can in a society that sells conformity for profit and true choice for none, maybe someday she can be queen. Right, and maybe you think she believes that, too.
8-9 Manxome is Rad-ified as Queen and Grand Poobah of the Feminist Purity Ball! Sacrificing ceremony at 5 p.m. Bring a covered side dish.
10 There's no such thing as a perfect 10, you fucking cheater.

Grading:
Yes, it's instant real time grading! Of you! Isn't grading others fun?

If you scored:

10 Bad! You've been expelled.
0-9 Sad! You get an F, for not getting it.

If you skipped the taking the test, believing that it's hypocritical to judge random women based solely on their individual choices and nothing else, which have squat to do with you anyway, no matter what group you do or do not align with, you get an Afucking+!

Extra credit: You're kidding, right?

It's not you babe, it's your uterus

This one's going to be a snarkfest, because it's so vile one can only stomach a sarcastic bite at a time. Amananta chomped, found it bitter, and spat it out. Here's my half-digested chunk.

'Hey, you with the uterus! What are you doing? Be careful, we might wanna poke that someday!' This is the gist of Forever Pregnant:

"New federal guidelines ask all females capable of conceiving a baby to treat themselves -- and to be treated by the health care system -- as pre-pregnant, regardless of whether they plan to get pregnant anytime soon."

That's right. From puberty to menopause, you are not so much a human being, as you are pre-pregnant. Never mind that you can't be pre-pregnant if you don't get, you know, pregnant. What you think doesn't matter. You are a vessel, waiting to be filled, whether you want it or not. Doesn't that make you feel special?

Silly, you're not special. You are a vessel, and urn. Maybe someone will come along and decide to put you on their mantel (lucky you!), and maybe they will put flowers in you. Or maybe not. It's really not up to you. You may want flowers and get flowers. You may want flowers and not get them. You may get flowers and not want them. Doesn't matter. Urns can't make decisions!

I know what you're saying. "What about the women?" Alas, it sure would be swell if all the health advice spewing forth from these recommendations had to do with concern for you, but it doesn't.

"Healthier women have healthier pregnancies."

See? It's not about you. It's about pregnancies that may or may not happen that produce babies that may or may not exist sometime between 6th grade and when you retire from your job. It's about how

"exposure to alcohol, tobacco and other drugs; lack of essential vitamins (e.g., folic acid); and workplace hazards can adversely affect fetal development"

Whoops, scratch that "retire from your job" part! Clearly you cannot take a chance working with all those hazards around! What are you doing, focusing on your own selfish needs for shelter by securing a job, when you have an urn to polish? Who's going to choose an urn that's been used? Just sit tight, be pristine, pop those prenatal pre-pregnancy vitamins, and shelter will be provided for you! Maybe!

Avoid the alcohol, tobacco and drugs not because it's healthy for actual existing humans, but because you don't want to take the chance that should you be chosen to become pregnant in the future, you could get charged with fetal neglect. For that beer bong incident that took place 15 years ago.

"Preconception care should be delivered by any doctor a patient sees -- from her primary care physician to her gynecologist."

Unless...

"The CDC report also discusses disparities in care, noting that approximately 17 million women lack health insurance and are likely to postpone or forgo care. These disparities are more prominent among minority groups and those of lower socioeconomic status, the report states."

No word on how the message will reach these pre-pregnant vessels.

"The NCHS data also reflect these disparities. Babies born to black mothers, for example, had the highest rate of infant death -- 13.5 per 1,000 live births. Infants born to white women had a death rate of 5.7 per 1,000."

So the most at-risk vessels won't get the message. They will still have high rates of infant death, while whites of higher socioeconomic status may see a reduction in infant death rates, effectively increasing births from this group. (Please tell me I'm reading this wrong.) Why this, as opposed to real health care, universal health care?

"It's simple and [it] costs nothing."

Of course: It's simple-minded and effectively does nothing. Except to further reduce women to non-person status.

"Experts acknowledge that women with no plans to get pregnant in the near future may resist preconception care."

Gosh, when you put it that way, who wouldn't? Which is why...

"clinicians must find a 'way to do this and not scare women'"

Asshats.

Now, I know what you're thinking, "What about the men?!?!"

I've got you covered.

While I acknowledge that men with no plans to get anyone pregnant in the near future may resist, I propose a program to address "pre-ejaculate care." Guidelines will ask all males capable of producing sperm to treat themselves -- and to be treated by the health care system -- as pre-ejaculate, regardless of whether they plan to have sexual intercourse anytime soon. Exposure to alcohol, tobacco and other drugs; lack of essential vitamins; and workplace hazards can adversely affect sperm count. To be safe, one should wear a condom at all times from puberty until death, lest any of the little buggers get out, possibly enter a tarnished vessel, and possibly produce a fetus.

Don't ever say I didn't think about the men.

[update - more from Amananta, for those who think we're overreacting and this is not as bad as it sounds.]

Action Alert: Dude in distress!

Doesn't every desperate plea for help deserve a response?








Hi, Guruster!

Thank you for taking the time to farm the email address from my blog. It is so courageous of you reach out and ask for help! I had no idea the situation in New Delhi was so dire. An entitlement epidemic! How horrible. I will help by spreading the word about your critical situation. Perhaps then, you can really get what is coming to you. Doesn't that make your heart swell?

Manxome

Fox Reality: Isn't that an oxymoron?

Fox Reality Announces New Original Programming: ''MY BARE LADY'';
Transatlantic Co-Production with Zig Zag Productions Promises to ''Reveal All''

What happens when you take a group of American porn stars and thrust them on stage in London's famous theatre-land to perform a classic play?

Aren't writers hilarious with their clever double meanings? I wonder, will memorizing lines be hard on the performers? Will they succeed in fleshing out their characters? Will they stiffen during the audition? Will their performances really blow? Will they take a beating in reviews? Does it really take a journalism degree to write this shit, or just an overwhelming sense of privilege?

Gawds, what a titillating press release. Coming to a cable channel near you! Be sure to tune in and objectify!

Homeland Insecurity: Terrorizing Your Kids

BRIAN DOYLE, THE DEPUTY PORN SECRETARY

Brian is a dad and internet child porn "domestic spy". He is an explorer who loves taking adolescent females in your family on illicit sexual adventures! An all-around sick sack of shit, he keeps his perverted misogyny in great shape by explaining "in graphic detail the sexual acts he want[s] to perform", engaging in "explicit telephone conversations", and sending "hard-core pornographic movie clips" online to the what he thinks is a 14 year-old girl. He sees himself as "grooming a child for sex", and with confidence and audacity shares his real name, title, photo, and phone numbers with his victims. A great asshat, he encourages children to get webcams.

Here's a little more about Brian:

HE LOVES: Making friends! He chats online with every underage female he meets and loves to learn all about them. Brian knows that every girl has a special story and something great to share with him via webcam.

SKILLS: He has an amazing sense of entitlement and a security clearance, too!

HOBBY: Pedophilia (internet soliciting). He can tap out vulgar, explicit crap to you kids online, and expect to get away with it!

JAIL TIME: "Charged with seven counts of use of a computer to seduce a child and 16 counts of transmission of harmful material to a minor", he'll be a hit in his cell block!

Subversive Diversions for the SUV hater in all of us

Via the Plaid Adder, DUers cause pants to be peed in when they create Chevy Tahoe ads that put the truth back into advertising.

The original has been deleted from the Chevy site, but there are screen captures, and a flash capture, and all manner of other entries that got through because they apparently did not break the rules by using the word "assholes".

Create your own truth here and according to the rules, as long as you don't use foul language, you could win a trip! Whee!

Miracle of the Uterine Wall

(Snarkland, AL) - Members of the Vast Reality-Based Conspiracy want to share what they're calling a miracle.

Flooding caused some drywall at an Alabama strip-mall church to buckle into an image that its flock believes is an image of the all-powerful Uterus.

A picture frame was hung up around the mark in an attempt to contain its awsome power until state abortion bans kick in. Since people can't help but line up to cop a feel, several people claim they've discovered knowledge.

"Many have deconverted," the Pastor Ella may have said. "One young woman that belonged here was scheduled to take a chastity pledge. She laid her hand there on the uterine wall, and the next week she started spouting off about the Patriarchy. I just can't see where, why, how."

Church members say miracles of logic occur when you touch the wall. "From touching that, my ignorance began to clear up completely," Benita may have said.

Skeptics like James are not sure what to make of it. He suffers from male entitlement and is hoping for an even better life. "I heard about it a couple of hours ago," said James. When he was asked why he came, his response was "I don't know, I just wanted to see naked girl parts."

"You also have to look at it through your opened eyes and be able to recognize that it is personal autonomy on that wall," Benita may have realized.

Church leaders say it really doesn't matter if you believe any of the testimonials about people getting some sense knocked into them. But what is a fact, is that more and more people are becoming radical feminists every day.










Photo credit: Unleashing of the Womb that Destroyed Manhattan by Marcus at GiFS

Carnival of the Misogynists

Today we meet vaginaphobic commenter Wally, who thinks men should get the same right to "opt-out" of parenthood that women do. Supposedly getting out of child support by saying the magic phrase "I don't want a kid" sometime after depositing his seed is equal to getting an abortion or being pregnant for 9 months and giving birth. So far Wally does not seem to be interested in acquiring his own uterus so he can do these things and be all "equal", while his imaginary girlfriend trots off into the sunset to knock up the next guy with a clear conscience.


Oh, I'm picking out a Uterus for you
Not an ordinary uterus for you
But the extra best uterus you can buy
with vinyl
and stripes
and a cup built right in!

I'm picking out a Uterus for you
And maybe a barometer too.
And what else can I buy,
so on me you will rely,
a rear-end thermometer too.

All Your Uteri Are Belong to South Dakota

Governor Mike Rounds sits very still for the camera as he prepares to sign legislation March 6, 2006, in Pierre, S.D.. (AP Photo/Joe Kafka)

PIERRE, SNARK DAKOTA - Gov. Mike Rounds signed a contract Monday that would transfer ownership of nearly all 390,000 uteri in South Dakota to the state. "We have until July 1 to raise funds for the purchase," he kind of said. The bidding started with an anonymous donor's pledge of $1 million, setting the initial uterine value at 39 cents per unit; the same as a first class postage stamp (handling is extra). State Senator Bill Napoli said that while they could probably get a good bulk rate on postage, "I really think we're pushing the envelope on that." The legislature concurred, determining that uteri probably do not fit into a standard mailing envelope. A special account has been set up to accept donations to cover the extra postage and shackles necessary for forced births.

Are there any uteri the state does not want? Napoli, dressed in his favorite wild west outfit, really said that the state does not value uteri that come from brutally raped, savaged, suicidal unmarried religious virgins who are "sodomized as bad as you can possibly make it." They get to keep theirs, he said, as long as the state gets to hear all the details. "It would probably help if we could get a copy on tape," he may have added.

Homeland Insecurity Alert

Fort Lauderdale teens work tirelessly to eradicate homelessness in their area, receive recognition from the Milwaukee Police Department for defending helpless trash can in the process.

Today's Neologism: Pharmasogyny

Phar·ma·sog·y·ny (n) Hatred of women expressed through the denial of legally prescribed medications. phar·ma·sog·y·nist (n)


Inspired by The Daily Show's "Pill of Rights" segment of 2-9-05, via Aspazia at Mad Melancholic Feminista

Autonomy for sale

The manly Gen J.C. Christian has graciously laid claim to a wayward uterus, surely following in the footsteps of rabid Wildcat fan Dr. James Guiler. In a gung-ho capitalist society such as ours, it won't be long before some enterprising woman attracts attention from the likes of goldenpalace.com to brand her uterus. They'd just have to outbid congress.

State of the Union : Live Feed

Dear Senators,

How come I still haven't heard from you? You promised that you would support me. You promised that you would defend me no matter what. The truth is, we've been separated for a long time now. You brag about about how much you love me, about how I am your foundation, but you never come home. Whenever I try to get through to you, you tell me that now is not a good time, then hang up and go out with your rich friends and get drunk with power.

I am tired of being neglected. I refuse to be associated with you any longer. I am fighting back.

Sincerely,
The Constitution

cc:
Congress
Executive Branch