It's not you babe, it's your uterus

This one's going to be a snarkfest, because it's so vile one can only stomach a sarcastic bite at a time. Amananta chomped, found it bitter, and spat it out. Here's my half-digested chunk.

'Hey, you with the uterus! What are you doing? Be careful, we might wanna poke that someday!' This is the gist of Forever Pregnant:

"New federal guidelines ask all females capable of conceiving a baby to treat themselves -- and to be treated by the health care system -- as pre-pregnant, regardless of whether they plan to get pregnant anytime soon."

That's right. From puberty to menopause, you are not so much a human being, as you are pre-pregnant. Never mind that you can't be pre-pregnant if you don't get, you know, pregnant. What you think doesn't matter. You are a vessel, waiting to be filled, whether you want it or not. Doesn't that make you feel special?

Silly, you're not special. You are a vessel, and urn. Maybe someone will come along and decide to put you on their mantel (lucky you!), and maybe they will put flowers in you. Or maybe not. It's really not up to you. You may want flowers and get flowers. You may want flowers and not get them. You may get flowers and not want them. Doesn't matter. Urns can't make decisions!

I know what you're saying. "What about the women?" Alas, it sure would be swell if all the health advice spewing forth from these recommendations had to do with concern for you, but it doesn't.

"Healthier women have healthier pregnancies."

See? It's not about you. It's about pregnancies that may or may not happen that produce babies that may or may not exist sometime between 6th grade and when you retire from your job. It's about how

"exposure to alcohol, tobacco and other drugs; lack of essential vitamins (e.g., folic acid); and workplace hazards can adversely affect fetal development"

Whoops, scratch that "retire from your job" part! Clearly you cannot take a chance working with all those hazards around! What are you doing, focusing on your own selfish needs for shelter by securing a job, when you have an urn to polish? Who's going to choose an urn that's been used? Just sit tight, be pristine, pop those prenatal pre-pregnancy vitamins, and shelter will be provided for you! Maybe!

Avoid the alcohol, tobacco and drugs not because it's healthy for actual existing humans, but because you don't want to take the chance that should you be chosen to become pregnant in the future, you could get charged with fetal neglect. For that beer bong incident that took place 15 years ago.

"Preconception care should be delivered by any doctor a patient sees -- from her primary care physician to her gynecologist."

Unless...

"The CDC report also discusses disparities in care, noting that approximately 17 million women lack health insurance and are likely to postpone or forgo care. These disparities are more prominent among minority groups and those of lower socioeconomic status, the report states."

No word on how the message will reach these pre-pregnant vessels.

"The NCHS data also reflect these disparities. Babies born to black mothers, for example, had the highest rate of infant death -- 13.5 per 1,000 live births. Infants born to white women had a death rate of 5.7 per 1,000."

So the most at-risk vessels won't get the message. They will still have high rates of infant death, while whites of higher socioeconomic status may see a reduction in infant death rates, effectively increasing births from this group. (Please tell me I'm reading this wrong.) Why this, as opposed to real health care, universal health care?

"It's simple and [it] costs nothing."

Of course: It's simple-minded and effectively does nothing. Except to further reduce women to non-person status.

"Experts acknowledge that women with no plans to get pregnant in the near future may resist preconception care."

Gosh, when you put it that way, who wouldn't? Which is why...

"clinicians must find a 'way to do this and not scare women'"

Asshats.

Now, I know what you're thinking, "What about the men?!?!"

I've got you covered.

While I acknowledge that men with no plans to get anyone pregnant in the near future may resist, I propose a program to address "pre-ejaculate care." Guidelines will ask all males capable of producing sperm to treat themselves -- and to be treated by the health care system -- as pre-ejaculate, regardless of whether they plan to have sexual intercourse anytime soon. Exposure to alcohol, tobacco and other drugs; lack of essential vitamins; and workplace hazards can adversely affect sperm count. To be safe, one should wear a condom at all times from puberty until death, lest any of the little buggers get out, possibly enter a tarnished vessel, and possibly produce a fetus.

Don't ever say I didn't think about the men.

[update - more from Amananta, for those who think we're overreacting and this is not as bad as it sounds.]