Mental Snapshot: The Clang Thang
February 2000, 4 a.m.
60 mg. of the mania-inducing SSRI Paxil, plus the illegally off-label marketed, ineffective horse pill "stabilizer" Neurontin, equaled my initial foray from agitated depression into full-fledged bipolar mania. The following rapid-fire flight-of-idea clang-association-fest was one of many postings made to a mailing list over several hours, documenting a rapid shift from euphoric hypomania to dysphoric mania. Hindsight was unavailable for comment at the time.
i'm so out of sorts, sort of. sorta sorting it out. now i don't know what sort means. sounds so funny... sort sort sorta like a walrus would sound like, or a gross of cartoon aliens talking to each other, "sort," "sort!" "sort, sort." eep, op, ork, aah aah, and that means i am really out of it. sorts. certs. with retsin. what the hell is retsin? did they just make that word up or what? retsin, makes me think of dentist for some reason, like sit in the chair nice and still while i drill into the bone in your mouth and stuff is flying all over the place and your whole head vibrates.
how masochistic must one be to go to the dentist anyway? and doesn't masochistic sound like such an appropriate word? really, what else would you call it, masochistic is perfect. unlike so may other words. like certs, or sorts, or retsin. or words. what kind of word is word? blah, it sounds ridiculous. ridiculous is a good word. word is not. language is better. lan-gu-age. it makes your mouth contort all over the place and that's so appropriate for what it means. laaan-guuuu-aage. and blah, it's such a blah word, it's perfect too. blah. blaaah. word? sounds like were. were the word to be blah, what were i to do? duh. were sounds like duh. as it were, duh. like, duh. like, omigawd! fershure! like, ya so totally talk valley and like wear like a man's shirt it's like, it like totally turns yer guy on, y'know? if you can explain *that* to me you will have solved one of the great mysteries of mankind!
mankind, isn't that an oxymoron? man is not kind. like, um, DUH! freaking idiots. not mankind, mancruel. manselfish. mancentered. man, bite me! idiocy turns mancruel on, so excited, baby talk stupid to me. yeah, eff-off. i ramble, another great word. ramble, rambling, rumble, rumbling, ramble on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on ramble ramble ramble ramble. i was born a ramblin' woman. not man. WOman. not woMAN, human. not huMAN. PERSON. there, finally. geez. PERSON!!!!!! i am PERSON, hear me roar! personally, i think person makes it very personal. doncha think? does anyone THINK? do ya think? i don't think so. that's what i thought. thinking about thoughts. thinking about thinking. think think sink sank sunk stink stank skank skunk. it stinks. skunky stinky. here, stinky skunky! it's putrid. putrid is such a putrid word. P-U-trid! stinking thinking kinking the linking of my thinking has me stinking sinking. don't be winking, i may start drinking. nah, just blinking. aaaaaak!!!! i think, therefore i suffer. ergo, i suffer. i love ergo. my ego loves ergo. ergo, i have an ego. ergo, i go...
i numbed out today to cool down my overstimulated self. overloaded circuit tripping the breaker to give it all a rest. yup, i'm a circuit box, i'm a little teapot, i'm a circuit box and my brain circuits and nerve circuits got overloaded so the breaker tripped, numbing out. staring staring at nothing. thinking nothing. blah, duh, empty, nil, zilch, nada, not even a person anymore, not there, invisible not invincible. shut down, nuclear reactor shutdown. omigawd, how apropos, oui? me, nuclear. reactor, reactions. shutdown. shut out. all these connections, making random connections. this is when i power up after the shutdown. the shutdown of my nuclear reactions. get it? my nuclear reactor shut down. ha ha freaking ha. i'm three mile island. i'm an island. a deserted island. i am a rock, i am an island. rocks are nothing, do nothing, feel nothing, contribute nothing. rock and roll. rock me gently. rockabye. bye bye. by and by. here and now, or there and never. pick one or the other. never never land. pick one. pick more. pick to power back up after the nuclear reactor shutdown. the shutdown of my nuclear reactions. wake up, come back, pick and choose, choose to pick. and here i am, going zing zing again 'til the next shutdown.
rambling. person oh person i'm freaking out. gotta get thru, always it's just get thru it, get thru it until what? until it starts all over again. replay. rewind. and start all over again. ring around the rosie, we all fall down. we get back up and do it again. repeat. replay, rewind, repeat. wash, rinse, repeat. it's all so ridiculous. my logic suffers at the mindlessness of it all. logical mind and mindlessness. mindless mind. i just can't stop! i'm trying to stop! stop! go! red light, green light! simon says. yes, no. up, down, spinning all around, fall down. yo, get down, get back up again. stop, in the name of love. stop, wait a minute mr. postMAN! i was born a poor black child. and this ashtray, and that's all i need. and this chair. this ashtray, this chair... and this lamp. and that's ALL i need! yup, that's me. poor jerk. the jerk. got my name in the phone book that's what makes me real. that's it. that's all. that's all i need. and this thermos. i'm picking out a thermos for you. pathetic jerk. pathetic lovable jerk. nathan, the jerk. i love that jerk.
what is "normal"? is it giving in to the ignorance of mancruel? to say we're wrong and therefore they are right? no, too stubborn for that. can't do it, can't surrender me to them. guess i gotta suffer in this stupid uncaring world of idiots then. suffer forever. cuz i won't do it. me against the world. why can't they just lay off and accept that? i'm just one person. give it up already. go your stupid way and leave me be. stop trying to control me take me over rape my mind. the world just wants to rape us all, that's how they feel good about themselves, the assholes.
everything in my head is all over the place. why is my head zinging like this all over the place like some music video where the images flash quickly all over the place and you have just enough time to see one and then it's gone before you can even register it and nothing sticks around more than a fleeting moment? nothing to grasp, thoughts wont stay long enough to register. register my thoughts. step up to the desk to register. register for what? let me see your license and registration. license to think.
what is this? who am i? am i even a who at all? all the who's in whoville. who. who, hoo hoo. owls who. owl scowl i scowl and howl, it's fowl. foul! 10 yard penalty! one step forward two steps back. back to back. two-step. step right up, enjoy the show. freak show. show me your license to lose it. penalty foul. too many fouls, outta the game. game of life. three strikes you're out. no excuses no way. are you game? seems gamey. game name same blame. who's to blame? name the blame. what's your name? is anyone the same? same or sane? insane. outsane. out sane? if you're insane, you're out! outsane! take the in out of sane. you are in sane in a ward locked away. locked in but really locked out. locked out of life. out of everything. out of energy out of mind. so out they stick you in. in insane.
welcome to inn sane, we leave a mint on your pillow, it will fry your brain. step up to the desk to register. register your complaint and we'll just ignore it as we always do. officially out because now your at the inn sane. you'll love it here. you need this, we all say so. you just don't know what you're thinking, that's all. there there, it will be okay. try the spa, we give you a nice massage and suck out your brain. we'll take care of you. we'll take care of you all right, are we really taking care of you or ourselves? remove the unwanted diseased there that's better. we feel so much better now that you're locked away. enjoy your stay at the inn sane. all booked up check out the hotel california. check it out, check in. check. such a lovely place, such a lovely face. just a face. face it.
Bipolar link of the day: The 10 Commandments of Manic-Depression
The National Mental Health Association has designated May as Mental Health Month, which has prompted me to dig up old writings and present them as mental snapshots.
for the NNAF
10 comments:
Manxome, I'm sorry.
Don't you love to just "wait and see how the meds do"?
I'm bipolar II, so I haven't had any manic episodes, or as some would say, I haven't had them yet.
You gave an extremely (I'm having some cognitive problems, the word I want means an excellent example, compelling, vivid) ______ example. I'm sorry you have the experience to be able to do that.
SE, it was just cutting and pasting from saved files, so I didn't have to go through trying to describe it. I think the way I wrote when I was like that is more telling, and am glad I saved some of it. The only thing that's weird is reading it again, and not being able to have my brain go that fast AND have it seem coherent like it did at the time. That post had at least two people from the list asking if I was manic a few hours later. I didn't even know what manic was then.
Wanna know how long it took me to come up with the word "hindsight" in the intro paragraph, though? ;) It's like one of my lingering after-affects, the word dropping. Not nearly as often, or as frustrating, as when it's a symptom. It goes just like you describe it, though. Yep, yep, yep.
I tried calling spouse @ work to ask what word I was looking for, but he was out at the time. Took 20 minutes for my brain to deliver it to me. This happens a few times a day at most now, rather than a few times a sentence.
I get so pissed about the med/doc thing that had me drowning in this for 5 years, but know how lucky I am that I've been able to, in a sense, walk away from it. If it weren't for the med/doc thing, of course, it may never had happened at all. I'm glad that, I fully believe, I will never go through it again (I will never take any anti depressant again), but I will let myself forget what it was like to go though it.
No matter what version, it all bites. Symptoms vary so much, stressors, cycling, support, effectiveness of meds, trying to comprehend it. No matter what, it's like everyone is their own guinea pig, in a 24/7 job. It all bites for anyone that goes through any of it at all.
Is it bad that this writing makes me jealous? I think it shows how completely brilliant you are. Is that a bad reaction? Everything seemed to have a melody to it...like listening to the drum beat in your head. I kind of want to print this out and use it in one of my collages. Would that be okay?
You never cease to amaze me Manxome.
Witchy - What a wonderful comment. Thank you. Bunches. :)
Lyons - Of course you can use it! Thank you for asking. As for the reaction, I suspect many are fine. I've re-read it several times myself, and there's such a mix.
There's remembering what I felt when I wrote it: In posts before this one I started feeling euphoric, giddy, really on fire. It started to feel unfamiliar, though, and I started to question what the deal was. And I couldn't stop doing it. This post starts there, and during it I'm starting to get freaked out by it. I cannot stop, my brain cannot stop. I'm typing faster than ever, trying to keep up with my head. I'm feeling brilliant and witty, then start getting irritated at everything. A big chunk of the mood shift from "euphoric" to "dysphoric" took place just in this post. Later posts were very short, extremely negative toward all things, and angry.
When I read it: Funny. Sad. Sad funny. Scary. Raw feelings and creativity. Gone amok. Overwhelming.
I figured out that to get the "full effect" as a reader, to have any sense of all how it was writing it, is to read it slowly several times for comprehension, seeing all the connections. Then read it through as fast as possible. That was how it was. And yes, there was a melodious feeling to it when writing it. A very rapid but distinct rhythm.
That's incredible. I guess I've always pictured manic episodes as something demonstrated on TV/film (think Sally Field in ER a few years ago). This is why I keep coming back - you always give me something unique to chew on.
Good advice Manxome. I read it very quickly - and it seemed to flow logically to me. Kind of like slam poetry or something. I can see how it would be overwhelming and frustrating, but there is definitely beauty in it as well. TONS of creativity and intelligence oozing out too.
Sometimes my brain does that as well, but I have never tried to document it in writing. Is that a good way to get it to stop, or does it just allow it to keep going?
Clearly I either understand this all to well or not at all. Given my family history it is probably all too well. Thank you so much for sharing this. I'll let you know what I end up making with it. Maybe you can fix the photo I take of it! Per usual!!
Heck, *I* can't read it fast and get it! :) The thing is that when writing it, every "thought" represented what could have gone onto a big rant, but my brain wouldn't let me focus. In that sense, it's very incomplete - just this rawness of emotions and not really being in control.
I wasn't writing it at the time in order to document it. I just happened to be posting to a mailing list when it started to happen, and I guess I just latched on to that and kept "typing out loud", kept posting, as if I could figure it out or slow it down and control it or something. I guess I didn't know what *else* to do, and my brain certainly wouldn't slow down enough for me to decide what *that* would be! Like electrocution, I guess, you can't let go. It didn't help, my brain was going off faster than I could process it, and that just added to what was starting to scare the crap out of me. All it does do is come close to showing others what it was like, including me! I can look back with a clear head and go "really? Damn."
Maybe I can fix the photo, or we hook up and I take you through the steps. Let me know! I need practice, anyway, since an art teacher friend wants me to teach her some general Photoshop.
butBright: Thank you for the comment - I'm humbled.
Mania can go so many ways. This entry represents just part of one I went through. Another one was driven by auditory overload. Most of my manias/mixed were dysphoric. I was an irritible pissy one. I only had a few rare moments of euphoric hypomania - the "fun" stuff. I end up relating to others who go through things in the context of specific elements and internal reactions. The "whole" of an episode is never quite the same.
Gawds, just trying to describe it is frustrating. Thank goodness for hard drives! :)
"When I read it: Funny. Sad. Sad funny. Scary. Raw feelings and creativity. Gone amok. Overwhelming."
So true. I've got a journal from when i was in college...it was mostly depression with a side of panic attacks, so it's different kind of stuff...but i caught that moment in the words when you can tell that your brain is pulling away from you, and it's not so much of a choice what goes down on the paper. The words go faster, the handwriting gets bigger, angrier...
I've got few words (at least that you wouldn't already know) for how it feels to get betrayed by the medications and the doctors and find that the pills really make things worse. I'm gonna go scream in the general direction of some really overconfident shrink types who damn near killed me. Care to join?
Sly, sorry it took a few days to get back to this.
I know the angry big handwriting thing. I never could read it later, it was such a mess. Typing worked better for me because all that gets a beating is my keyboard (thank goodness for computers!)
Ah, you have no clue about the meds thing! I was going through pages and pages of files today and ran across so many instances of med problems, ones I wouldn't have included in what I remember off the top of my head, that it was just amazing. I could probably just take the whole thing and copy only the med stuff, and that would be quite a statement on its own.
Screaming in the general direction of shrinks, of course! :)
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