Life is one big oozing infection

Abscessed molar
what a pain
Weekend trip
too much rain

Mental Snapshot: The Clang Thang

February 2000, 4 a.m.

60 mg. of the mania-inducing SSRI Paxil, plus the illegally off-label marketed, ineffective horse pill "stabilizer" Neurontin, equaled my initial foray from agitated depression into full-fledged bipolar mania. The following rapid-fire flight-of-idea clang-association-fest was one of many postings made to a mailing list over several hours, documenting a rapid shift from euphoric hypomania to dysphoric mania. Hindsight was unavailable for comment at the time.

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i'm so out of sorts, sort of. sorta sorting it out. now i don't know what sort means. sounds so funny... sort sort sorta like a walrus would sound like, or a gross of cartoon aliens talking to each other, "sort," "sort!" "sort, sort." eep, op, ork, aah aah, and that means i am really out of it. sorts. certs. with retsin. what the hell is retsin? did they just make that word up or what? retsin, makes me think of dentist for some reason, like sit in the chair nice and still while i drill into the bone in your mouth and stuff is flying all over the place and your whole head vibrates.

how masochistic must one be to go to the dentist anyway? and doesn't masochistic sound like such an appropriate word? really, what else would you call it, masochistic is perfect. unlike so may other words. like certs, or sorts, or retsin. or words. what kind of word is word? blah, it sounds ridiculous. ridiculous is a good word. word is not. language is better. lan-gu-age. it makes your mouth contort all over the place and that's so appropriate for what it means. laaan-guuuu-aage. and blah, it's such a blah word, it's perfect too. blah. blaaah. word? sounds like were. were the word to be blah, what were i to do? duh. were sounds like duh. as it were, duh. like, duh. like, omigawd! fershure! like, ya so totally talk valley and like wear like a man's shirt it's like, it like totally turns yer guy on, y'know? if you can explain *that* to me you will have solved one of the great mysteries of mankind!

mankind, isn't that an oxymoron? man is not kind. like, um, DUH! freaking idiots. not mankind, mancruel. manselfish. mancentered. man, bite me! idiocy turns mancruel on, so excited, baby talk stupid to me. yeah, eff-off. i ramble, another great word. ramble, rambling, rumble, rumbling, ramble on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on ramble ramble ramble ramble. i was born a ramblin' woman. not man. WOman. not woMAN, human. not huMAN. PERSON. there, finally. geez. PERSON!!!!!! i am PERSON, hear me roar! personally, i think person makes it very personal. doncha think? does anyone THINK? do ya think? i don't think so. that's what i thought. thinking about thoughts. thinking about thinking. think think sink sank sunk stink stank skank skunk. it stinks. skunky stinky. here, stinky skunky! it's putrid. putrid is such a putrid word. P-U-trid! stinking thinking kinking the linking of my thinking has me stinking sinking. don't be winking, i may start drinking. nah, just blinking. aaaaaak!!!! i think, therefore i suffer. ergo, i suffer. i love ergo. my ego loves ergo. ergo, i have an ego. ergo, i go...

i numbed out today to cool down my overstimulated self. overloaded circuit tripping the breaker to give it all a rest. yup, i'm a circuit box, i'm a little teapot, i'm a circuit box and my brain circuits and nerve circuits got overloaded so the breaker tripped, numbing out. staring staring at nothing. thinking nothing. blah, duh, empty, nil, zilch, nada, not even a person anymore, not there, invisible not invincible. shut down, nuclear reactor shutdown. omigawd, how apropos, oui? me, nuclear. reactor, reactions. shutdown. shut out. all these connections, making random connections. this is when i power up after the shutdown. the shutdown of my nuclear reactions. get it? my nuclear reactor shut down. ha ha freaking ha. i'm three mile island. i'm an island. a deserted island. i am a rock, i am an island. rocks are nothing, do nothing, feel nothing, contribute nothing. rock and roll. rock me gently. rockabye. bye bye. by and by. here and now, or there and never. pick one or the other. never never land. pick one. pick more. pick to power back up after the nuclear reactor shutdown. the shutdown of my nuclear reactions. wake up, come back, pick and choose, choose to pick. and here i am, going zing zing again 'til the next shutdown.

rambling. person oh person i'm freaking out. gotta get thru, always it's just get thru it, get thru it until what? until it starts all over again. replay. rewind. and start all over again. ring around the rosie, we all fall down. we get back up and do it again. repeat. replay, rewind, repeat. wash, rinse, repeat. it's all so ridiculous. my logic suffers at the mindlessness of it all. logical mind and mindlessness. mindless mind. i just can't stop! i'm trying to stop! stop! go! red light, green light! simon says. yes, no. up, down, spinning all around, fall down. yo, get down, get back up again. stop, in the name of love. stop, wait a minute mr. postMAN! i was born a poor black child. and this ashtray, and that's all i need. and this chair. this ashtray, this chair... and this lamp. and that's ALL i need! yup, that's me. poor jerk. the jerk. got my name in the phone book that's what makes me real. that's it. that's all. that's all i need. and this thermos. i'm picking out a thermos for you. pathetic jerk. pathetic lovable jerk. nathan, the jerk. i love that jerk.

what is "normal"? is it giving in to the ignorance of mancruel? to say we're wrong and therefore they are right? no, too stubborn for that. can't do it, can't surrender me to them. guess i gotta suffer in this stupid uncaring world of idiots then. suffer forever. cuz i won't do it. me against the world. why can't they just lay off and accept that? i'm just one person. give it up already. go your stupid way and leave me be. stop trying to control me take me over rape my mind. the world just wants to rape us all, that's how they feel good about themselves, the assholes.

everything in my head is all over the place. why is my head zinging like this all over the place like some music video where the images flash quickly all over the place and you have just enough time to see one and then it's gone before you can even register it and nothing sticks around more than a fleeting moment? nothing to grasp, thoughts wont stay long enough to register. register my thoughts. step up to the desk to register. register for what? let me see your license and registration. license to think.

what is this? who am i? am i even a who at all? all the who's in whoville. who. who, hoo hoo. owls who. owl scowl i scowl and howl, it's fowl. foul! 10 yard penalty! one step forward two steps back. back to back. two-step. step right up, enjoy the show. freak show. show me your license to lose it. penalty foul. too many fouls, outta the game. game of life. three strikes you're out. no excuses no way. are you game? seems gamey. game name same blame. who's to blame? name the blame. what's your name? is anyone the same? same or sane? insane. outsane. out sane? if you're insane, you're out! outsane! take the in out of sane. you are in sane in a ward locked away. locked in but really locked out. locked out of life. out of everything. out of energy out of mind. so out they stick you in. in insane.

welcome to inn sane, we leave a mint on your pillow, it will fry your brain. step up to the desk to register. register your complaint and we'll just ignore it as we always do. officially out because now your at the inn sane. you'll love it here. you need this, we all say so. you just don't know what you're thinking, that's all. there there, it will be okay. try the spa, we give you a nice massage and suck out your brain. we'll take care of you. we'll take care of you all right, are we really taking care of you or ourselves? remove the unwanted diseased there that's better. we feel so much better now that you're locked away. enjoy your stay at the inn sane. all booked up check out the hotel california. check it out, check in. check. such a lovely place, such a lovely face. just a face. face it.

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Bipolar link of the day: The 10 Commandments of Manic-Depression

The National Mental Health Association has designated May as Mental Health Month, which has prompted me to dig up old writings and present them as mental snapshots.

Mood for Thought, or Why I don't Write Haiku

Out, damned blogspot bar,
you're messing up the grand scheme.
Color my blog world!