FAsQ (Frequently Asked search Questions)

May 11, 2006 edition
Where Google and Abby meet in a freak Sitemeter accident
to answer your internet search queries.

DEAR GABBY: "won't answer the door" -- CLUELESS IN FAIRBORN, OH
DEAR CLUELESS: They're not home. Or taking a dump. Or having sex without you. Or just really, really, find your constant knocking and demand for instant gratification to be annoying as hell. You know, at their home. This ain't Wendy's, ya know.

DEAR GABBY: "servicing him" -- HOOK, LINE AND SINKER IN WALTHAM, MASS
DEAR SINKER: Not your job. Seriously.

DEAR GABBY: what wouldn't exist without rocks? -- PHILOSOPHIC IN SUN CITY, CA
DEAR PHIL: Why, rocks, of course! Hypocrites would have to find something else to throw at glass houses. An entire genre of music would be called 'Roll'. Men would have to find something else with which to 'get off'. You'd no longer be trapped against a 'hard place'. The game of 'Paper, Scissors' would be pretty damn lame.

DEAR GABBY: "the family stone" sly earth wind fire funk september -- FUNKY IN NY, NY
DEAR FUNKYTOWN: 'September' is by Earth Wind and Fire, not Sly and the Family Stone. Did you win the bet? Interestingly enough, without rocks, only Sly and the Family would exist, but they'd still be funky. Thank goodness.

DEAR GABBY: dehumanization rape culture -- UNITED STATES
DEAR US: Damn straight.

Looking for 'dehumanization stories' and 'worst humiliating stories'? Find out what the most common search terms that bring traffic to my site say about society. Write for Gabby's booklet, "Nothing You See Here Could Possibly Be as Humiliating as Getting Off on Someone Else's Pain" by sending a self-addressed, long, business-size clue up your ass.

FAsQ (Frequently Asked search Questions)

March 25, 2006 edition
Where Google and Abby meet in a freak Sitemeter accident to answer your internet search queries.

DEAR GABBY: how to clambake -- ROASTED AND TOASTED IN RICHMOND, VA
DEAR ROASTED: You'll need a tired plot, a guitar, Shelley Fabares, clams, seaweed, and poor ventilation.

DEAR GABBY: my vagina teen -- MINE MINE MINE IN MOUNT LAUREL, NJ
DEAR MINE: My Vagina Teen® is a popular collectors item from Has-been that is lovable, huggable, and wants to be your friend! You probably remember its jingle from the early 80s:
My Vagina Teen, My Vagina Teen...
I comb and brush her hair.
My Vagina Teen, My Vagina Teen
Tie a ribbon to show how much I care
My Vagina Teen, My Vagina Teen...
I take her wherever I go.
My Vagina Teen, My Vagina Teen...
Oh I love her so.

DEAR GABBY: cheap teen slut -- BARGAIN HUNTING IN SHEPSHED, LEICESTER, UK
DEAR HUNTING: Your mom wants to see you in Kingsport, Tennessee.

DEAR GABBY: mouth soap -- MOM IN KINGSPORT, TN

Comment spam challenged? Find out how following free "tips on how to attract women" only tips women off that you are a loser. Write for Gabby's booklet, "Women are Human Beings, for Fuck's Sake" by sending a self-addressed, long, business-size clue up your ass.

FAsQ (Frequently Asked search Questions)

March 11, 2006 edition
Where Google and Abby meet in a freak Sitemeter accident to answer your internet search inqueries.

DEAR GABBY: what is climacteric -- RESEARCHING IN RESTON, VA
DEAR RESEARCHING: Climacteric generally refers to a critical physiological period in one's life. It is synonymous with menopause, which is synonymous with "you're just going to have to deal with it whether you like it or not."

DEAR GABBY: video+haidl+rape -- ENTITLED IN LOS ANGELES, CA
DEAR ENTITLED: No, you're not. Read on for more:

DEAR GABBY: entitlement behavior -- ASKING IN AMARILLO, TX
DEAR AMARILLO: Entitlements are rights you are privileged to, simply by existing as a human being or by citizenship. Take the Bill of Rights. By law, you are entitled to things like freedom of speech, freedom of assembly, due process, and privacy. Ha! Just joking, bad example. Entitlement behavior would be acting as if you have the right to these things, when you really don't. A good example would be behaving like you are entitled to view private video evidence of a crime by searching for it on the internet, wherein three males behaved like they were entitled to stick several objects in another human being's private orifices while she was unconscious. They are not entitled to do this to another person, nor is anyone entitled to jack off to it, which is why we call it entitlement behavior.

Loser? Take charge of your life and turn it around. Write for Gabby's booklet, "How Your Shit Really Does Stink." Send a self-addressed, long, business-size clue up your ass and a reality check to your brain, c/o Biting Beaver's Friday Fun with Sitemeter.