Mental Snapshot: Sounds, Startling
It was really crappy wading through this stuff and editing it down yesterday. I posted it and decided it was still too much, not focused enough on the key symptoms. Today I chopped it with an major unapologetic edit. 10am, 5/23/06
Summer 2003
This isn't going to read quite like the Clang Thang. That mental snapshot was quite literally my writing as I was experiencing mania for the first time. It was very much like "getting into someone else's head" live and up-close for 10 intense minutes. Just 10 minutes.
This snapshot is selected phrases from rambling notes over a six week period in August and September of 2003 when I was severly manic.
The main theme (symptom) of this mania is auditory amplifications and an almost constant startle response. Are you typing while someone else is on the phone? That was like fingernails on a chalkboard. Add another voice and I'd leap out of my seat. One sound: okay. Two sounds: bad. Three or more sounds, or any unexpected sound: really fucking bad. Voices: times two. My muscles were always, always, always tensed.
July 31
I'm getting more agitated, irritable and teary
Aug 2
I knew there was a reason I crawled into a hole
Aug 5
the sound sensory input is at full blast
losing my temper, crying
Aug 10
things were horrendous sensory-wise and irritability
Missed some work, a family visit
avoidance because I fear losing it, or quitting my job in a fit of irritation
all sounds are sharp, in the foreground, yet chaotic
Aug 15
Perhaps there is something to be said for all the people who don't show up at high school reunions
Aug 17
sensory dropped off
not a constant barrage of every single sound insisting on being in the foreground
instead sounds randomly startling or distracting me multitudes times an hour
irritability and losing my cool stays
weepiness constant
Distractability, forgetfulness
freezing on a simple task and just staring and forgetting what to do
other sensory invasions being amplified
feels like barking in my ear
it's okay if I can control the environment, if there are no other distractions there
I forget I saw a movie before
Aug 19
it makes me get mad at her first, then cry in frustration
still more irritable than before this month started
more prone to feeling startled, and space invaded, and distracted, and teary, and worthless
the sounds all together was like noise with a capital N
It all meshed together and nothing sounded pleasant
I could make nothing background
it all sounded like torture and I tensed, and flinched
I feel like I'll crack any moment now
this is not normal
I have no clue what is me, and I am by now just one big wad of symptoms
Aug 21
Digging a hole, I got mad
it's fucking stressing me
I vented
I vented too much
I even vented about venting in this condition and about how I'd probably regret that
Aug 22
How come stress of people (plural) and sound (plural) only seems to really get to me?
I never ever seem to understand this
It's too fucking confusing to me
Maybe that's because I didn't ever truly have mania until a psychiatrist got his hands on me
give me a break
Please
Aug 25
K took the headphones
Had to find others
Doesn't cut out sound well
There were too many people
more than one voice at a time, meaning not good for me
Um, name name name name...
apologized
noticed I was walking real slow
I was honestly not aware of it
At this rate the whole place will know
getting so aware of my own stuff alot and normally I'm not
I'm aware, then it must be horrid
other people have noticed enough to comment the whole time
taking time off and on and off an on and acting like a freak
not going in during the week
said that before
she wanted to know about the week
she's pushing it
even though I went off on her about stuff and stress and severly manic and all I put in
the one thing I asked for in four years and got blown off on
This is my no
She even called at work tonight to ask again
Stress at home
stress at work
hide out in my bedroom
So, no
No no no no no
Aug 31
Big leap
on Sunday only to "keep my toe in" right now with the job
the first time the first half of the night wasn't pure torture
can't speak worth a crap
can't walk well
like I'm intoxicated
Meds maybe
still a bit off otherwise with concentration and sounds
cannot come back to the way things were
Too stressful
too much me resenting being blown off with the schedule and all
took advantage of my feeling calmer than I have in a month at the job
even if I can't speak worth a shit
went to the one of the Managing Editors
how do I handle it
basically she just handled it
one wave of the magic wand
Poof
couldn't even get the time of day on that for 2 months from my freaking boss
Sept 1
eye sockets are numb
afraid to say things are better
Last time I said that it lasted a day
need to keep track though
all I'm doing, keeping track
not buying into it or anything
it doens't count, whoever is keeping track, k?
Okay
head is clearing up
feel more connected to people in general
like I can take things on
made it through a day of work
without constantly fighting this horrific urge to make a scene and quit
other things, side effects, I guess
walk is more wobbly
feel more shaky
face feels a bit numb
keep missing keys when I type
taking forever
Lots of backspacing or doing it very slow
speech is really bad
Broken and stilted and lots of repetition
Porky Pig style
feel like I come across as drunk off my ass
still having problems with too much cross-noise
More than one person speaking
or a person speaking with another sound going on
too much for me to make out
hard to concentrate
it's nerve wracking
lose my cool
Distracting
lose where I'm at
go off on tangents
Forgetfulness
that can be both me and side effect
Lots of things can be
That's the problem
list of lithium side effects
like a list of things I already am suffering symptoms of
I hate this crap
Sept 2
Was going to watch Along Came a Spider
beginning is like voices over a radio
the visual is just these lights or something
Couldn't quite make out what it was
what they were saying
it was distracting
enough to startle me
every phrase, every one, makes me flinch and leap in my seat
My arms flail, my leg shoots out, my shoulders rise
like I'm having a seizure over a movie's opening sequence
like a machine gun going off
my body is jumping all over the place in reaction to it
just can't do this
20 minutes to calm down and relax my body
Sept 6
Sunday at work went well for the first time in a month
10 times better, it seemed
still not all the way at 100%
did not want to scream and run out and quit
Big huge ass improvement
decided to add a weekday back in
another person there who could be emergency backup
need to make up for any pressure/trembling hand/concentration/sound probelms
Can't know if I don't try
this is my test
Can't sit forever waiting for... what, to get to 100%?
Sept 7
Hey, I worked. Hey, I survived. Hey, I'm going to do it again tomorrow.
Amazing how a month of crap can make you thrilled over silly things like not cringing over a squeaky chair, or pulling your hair out over keyboard clacking, or wanting to scream when people speak, or leaping out of your chair when the phone rings, or leaving the room to cry when it all runs together. Wow! you're talking and I don't care! How bloody wonderful!
been getting about 6 hours of sleep a night the past 5 days
not "normal" for me
not done being manic
but it's toned down
not completely dysphoric, or completely euphoric
leans toward euphoric part about 85%
Euphoric mania lite, or hypomania according to the Goldberg Mania Quiz [Update: P.S. for quiz-takers - "not at all" means stable, baseline, "normal"]
Bonus Bipolar link of the day: The 5 stages of Bipolar grief
The National Mental Health Association has designated May as Mental Health Month, which has prompted me to dig up old writings and present them as mental snapshots, then cry.
for the NNAF
7 comments:
Very insightful. Thank you so much for sharing that; I have quite a bit more understanding than I did before. Thank you.
When you say you didn't actually have mania until a psych got ahold of you, what do you mean? As in, the symptoms weren't that severe until you saw a doctor, or that you didn't have them at all? Or something else? I'm very interested.
In other news, I don't think I like that Goldberg Quiz. It gave me A Number, even though I answered "Not At All" to a ton of questions and have actually felt like I've been dragging ass this week. I don't know whether to go "hmm" or "grr".
Thanks, Dubhe.
The didn't have it before means I didn't have it at all before antidepressants. I briefly touched on the whole thing in part 4 of my story. Now, stress exacerbates a lot of things. For me, antidepressants seemed to make stress so much more troublesome, I became manic.
When I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder (already on my first SSRI), I didn't "get it". Symptom descriptions didn't click. Once I had that clanging mania, though, I could read descriptions and it definitely clicked. It put my experience into words very accurately. Before that, it was like reaching, not being sure, but figuring well, if doc says it's this, then maybe this description sort of fits, even if I always thought it was a stress reaction (stress again, all this overlaps so and just try to sort it out when your brain is not cooperating!)
Nope. When it fits, it fits like a glove. It's like the description is reading your mind.
And for five years I was always taking at least one antidepressant with my myriad of stabilizers and antipsychotics and insomnia meds. It took five years for me to say "screw this".
It's a WHOLE 'nuther post. (Or, my cell phone battery arrived, and I think it works even though the LCD display is really dark now. You know the number.) :)
Now, the Goldberg Quiz (I fixed the post to point this out). "Not at all" is stable, baseline, balanced, default, "normal". It's not the OTHER end of the scale (as in complete lack of energy being a possible sign of depression), rather it's the lack of being at either end. It's the "I'm fine" starting point from which all else can be degrees of mania. When you look at it that way, and know what the questions are describing, then the quiz works very well for keeping track of manic episodes (there's a depression one on the site, too.)
A lot of people (not saying you, I swear! I had that problem with what "not at all" meant I first found that test a few years back, too) will be undiagnosed, and know just enough to be dangerous, and see things like this and think it means they have it. Which happens for a lot of things. Surely anyone can identify with many symptoms. They are, after all, pretty much extremes of what we all experience.
The key, I think, is what I said earlier, that you know what those descriptions mean in the context of bipolar mania, and it's dead-on. There's one more thing, though. You know it's not how you'd normally react in that situation, and you can't stop it. It's like BBs description of being in the bathroom and trying to hang on to that one thread, the reality she knows exists somewhere deep down, and hang on to it for all its worth. It's absolutely mentally exhausting.
P.P.S. The phone works. Alert the Den!
I hate hate hate all of this. I hate that the research isn't further along, I hate the doctors, all of them. I love lithium, I never want to stop taking it, but I'm foggy, I've lost clarity that I used to have. I'm not a stupid person, but I veer toward stupid now. My psychiatrist's comment on my congnitive problems?
"You're getting older. That could be causing all the problems, not the meds."
SE: That's horrid! A slowing of cognitive function is one of Lithium's textbook side effects, isn't it? Or am I remembering incorrectly?
Manxome: Re: Anti-Depressants: I remember that now!
I remember hearing someone saying, on NPR maybe, that sometimes psychiatric drugs like SSRIs and Anti-Psychotics can actually cause symptoms of the disorder they're supposed to treat, and/or other disorders as well, if mis-prescribed. Is that accurate?
Thank you for clearing all this up for me. :)
Re: Goldberg: Thanks for clearing that up, too. :) You know, this is exactly why my ex-girlfriend psych grad student had to hide her textbooks and DSM from me. I'd read and read and read until I'd diagnosed myself with pretty much everything. And all our friends, too. :D So I know exactly what you mean about "just enough knowledge to be dangerous".
SE, I know what you mean 1000%, and then some. Heck, I knew what your pdoc said before I read the words.
It's never ever the meds, nosiree! I've been taken off ones I knew were not causing problems, and kept on ones I knew were. I read up so much I started to understand pubmed articles about neurology the second they were published. (Back when I was keeping up with this stuff daily, About's bipolar message board was actually really good about keeping up with the valid studies. McMann's Bipolar Web was good, too.)
I knew wht I was talking about, but as you know all too well, I'm sure, half of what you battle is other people thinking that you never know what you're talking about.
I know lithium was making me numb, that it was a concern, and all I got when I called in was "yup, that's a symptom". Grr. Yes, it is, and it's one to be concerned about. And topamax is called dopamax for a reason. And Zyprexa screws with the appetite signals. And non-SSRIs like Wellbutrin can trigger mania, too. Etc, etc, all met with a big 'ol "nuh-uh".
Bull. Thing is, with this stuff, you are the lab rat. You live it. Only you can say whether side effects are unbearable, or something is taking effect, or not. You are the only one who observes this. Yet, you are the last to be believed. And what if you act in your best interests? Why, you're non-compliant!
Screw 'em.
Gawd, I could rant all day about this stuff.
Dubhe. Well, thank goodness you came to your senses. :) I was going to have to say, "Come-a come-a down Dubhe, do down down!" and that would not have been pretty.
Dubhe: forgot to address the rest of your comment.
SSRIs (and even current non-SSRI andtidepressants) can trigger mania. Lithium, cognitive, yeah. I was already forgetting basic vocabulary without it, but definitely noticed it as an effect of the lithium (along with that gawd-awful peeing all the damned time). Topamax (neuroleptic) makes you dumb as a rock and is one of the few that may cause weight loss. Neurontin (another meuroleptic) is worthless off-label except to make $ off mental illness (but cost them like 430 million for the illegal marketing).
Zyprexa (antipsychotic) can screw with your appetite signals, and cause a ravenous hunger that's just notorious (but they fought admitting that for a long time, of course). One may satify Zyprexa hunger in the easiest way possible: carbs. Sweet carbs. Whole cakes and pies at a time and never feeling full, or even realizing that yeah, you're eating a whole carrot cake in one sitting. 50 lbs. in 3.5 months. And you know what he said? Huh? "I'll take you off the Paxil. That may cause minor weight gain". Putz. I'd been on Paxil for ages. I became a pie-o-holic when he added Zyprexa. What do I know? Gosh, those difficult mental patients!
Whoops, ranted.
Geodon, another antipsychotic, is supposed top be better, but since he added it like a week after the lithium, I don't know which was doing what, really. I sense that the lithium got me out of mania and down to hypomania, and the Geodon took care of the rest. I sense it only because of side effects. When Geodon's kicked in (ooh, those antipsychotics. At the beginning, one minute you're awake, the nest you drop like a stone.) ANYWYAY, I aligned mental improvements with side effects that seemed to be attributed to a med happening at the same time.
Ooh, gotta go watch some show with the spouse.
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